Cancer is undeniably a challenging struggle, impacting not just the physical condition of individuals but also their mental and emotional well-being. While the physical symptoms and treatments are readily apparent, the mental and emotional burdens that cancer patients carry often remain hidden, a silent struggle that deserves to be highlighted.
I would say staying sane and positive while battling cancer are the hardest part of my cancer journey.
The Mental and Emotional Burdens
Based on my experiences over the past four months as I go through cancer treatment, here are some of the reasons why I occasionally find myself breaking down and crying.
1. Thinking about coping with physical side effects
Every waking day, it is a struggle not to think if I will ever get better or feel better. There is a constant nudge of discomfort here and there, leading to thoughts like “Will I be able to survive this?”. At times, I just feel like giving up.
I simply yearn for the physical suffering to cease, to regain a sense of normalcy, and to engage in the activities I once cherished. I strive to boost my spirits, self-motivate, and maintain optimism, but my body often has different plans.
When I experience these emotions, I turn to God and release all my frustrations, fears, doubts, and pain. I know my God is bigger than my circumstance and that eventually, this season will end.
“Two more months, two more months, Icai.” I keep reminding myself that in two months, I will reach the end of my chemotherapy treatment. That once done, I will feel much better and I will be healed.
My hands will not be numb, my legs will not feel jelly and weak, my mouth will not be dry and will be able to taste yummy food again. No more muscle and body pain, no more tummy aches and no more constipation and diarrheas.
Yet, two months seems distant, and time appears to pass at a super slow pace.
2. Thinking about managing diet and medications
During chemotherapy, my immune system is at its most vulnerable state. This makes it especially crucial for me to consume clean and nutritious foods in the hope of aiding my body in coping with the treatment’s side effects.
The discipline and planning required for this are undeniably demanding, particularly since it’s a new addition to our daily routine at home. Meal planning was already a challenging task even before my diagnosis. Now, with the cognitive challenges of ‘chemo brain’ and diminished energy levels, it’s a real struggle to select the right foods, especially those that are considered ‘healthy and clean.’
Additionally, I’m taking various food supplements and juices daily to boost my immune system. However, there comes a point where the sight of the numerous capsules and tablets I need to ingest every 2-3 hours, along with the juices, can be quite nauseating. Not to mention, they don’t taste particularly good.
3. Contemplating the unpredictable future
The unpredictability of what lies ahead, the anxiety about the possibility of a relapse, and the uncertain results of treatment can be quite a heavy burden to bear.
Given the choice, I would never wish to undergo this ordeal again; it’s simply too much to bear. However, there’s always that lingering fear of a relapse and the unknown long-term effects that I may carry with me for the rest of my life. Not to mention the concern that it might be passed down to future generations in our family line.
I’m fervently praying that I will be the first and last in our family line to endure this experience.
4. Concern for caregivers
It is truly heartbreaking to witness the exhaustion and weariness on the faces of Macky and my Mom at home. They are both tirelessly managing the responsibilities of caring for me and Hopesie, handling household chores, accompanying me to medical appointments, and Macky is juggling a full-time job as well. I wish I could contribute, but my physical limitations and energy constraints make it challenging to be of assistance, leaving me feeling helpless.
5. Isolation and loneliness
The emotional weight of being detached from my life before cancer can be quite deep.
I long for the days of socializing with friends and relishing in the experience of dining out and savouring various cuisines.
6. Financial worries
The cost of cancer treatment is a significant concern but thank God mine is all covered under Macky’s company insurance.
However, the cost does not end with the treatment itself alone. There are additional expenses that comes with the change of lifestyle called for in this particular season i.e transportation cost going to and from medical appointments, and diet and supplements costs. Not to mention, even after treatment, medical check ups and monitoring are needed.
Managing the Mental and Emotional Burdens
As hard as it is, I have to find ways to cope. Here are a few things that help me manage my mental and emotional burdens as a cancer patient.
1. Listening to Music
Listening to music when you feel down is a great help. Whatever song that makes you calm down or feel good, play it. For me, I listen to worship songs and the songs I used to listen during my college days. They bring back happy memories. Worship songs calm me down and remind me of all the things God has done and is still doing for me. He has been carrying me all along and He won’t stop now.
2. Community and Support
Communicate what you feel to family and friends. It takes out that heavy burden in your heart and at the same time they can help to pray for you. Whenever I hear or receive messages from family and friends about them praying for me, I really feel the boost of strength in my body.
3. Listing all the things I want to do or eat when I finish my treatment
I have a multitude of items on my agenda, including hiking at both Mt. Pulag and Mt. Fuji, returning to the Philippines to indulge in delicious street food, cycling once more, embarking on explorations of various libraries and playgrounds in Singapore with my son, and the list continues. By enumerating these aspirations, I find myself eagerly anticipating exciting adventures, motivating me to persevere and press on a little more.
4. Going out for a walk, get some sun and be one with nature
When you have the energy, go out and get some sun. The fresh air, the greenery, the tranquility that nature brings is always a good idea. A change of environment from time to time is a good boost of energy and hope.
5. Exploring new interests and hobbies
Blogging and writing my thoughts down has helped me divert my attention from all the discomforts in my body. In fact, when I feel a little hopeless I go back and read my earlier notes and I’m instantly reminded of God’s promises in this journey.
Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later.
Romans 8:18 NLT
Hats off and my greatest admiration goes to every person and the families of cancer survivors and fighters. This journey is not an easy feat and I admire your strength and courage to wake up every day fighting, to choose hope, and to see life beyond the discomforts and the struggles that come with battling cancer.
On days I feel hopeless, I thank God for His never-failing reminders through my husband, through my son, through friends’ messages and through my Mom who does not get tired of taking care of me day in, and day out for the last four months.
I know it is certainly not easy for my family and friends to watch me struggle but I thank God for giving them the strength to be strong on my behalf.
My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 NIV
When you feel like giving up and you’re losing hope, that is when breakthrough usually happens.
Breakthrough is near! Breakthrough is coming!
Trust that God won’t let you, even for a second, doubt His promises and His love for you.
… I know breakthrough is coming
By faith I see a miracle
My God made me a promise
And it won’t stop now
– lyrics from “Won’t Stop Now” by Elevation Worship
It is my prayer for you and me, that as we go through trials in life that seems impossible or plain difficult that you hold on to His words and His promises. If He did it before, He will do it again. He will carry and see us through this again.
Know as well that what you feel, the mental and emotional burdens, is totally normal. Let it all out and cry it out and then let’s try again. His grace are new every morning. Fighting!
